It is not that my posted pictures are to put out an image that I have it all together. But when the house is a mess and the children are screaming and dinner is a heaping bowl of cereal, I simply am not in the mood or have the energy to snap a pic. Let alone put a filter on it. The first thing to go most certainly is social media. When the stove is hot and the children are nestled together reading a book and the dog isn’t whining and the baby is enjoying tummy time, my energy is high and my heart is full. I am taking a picture of that moment more for myself or for Sean who is missing it, more than anyone else. What is real is that the tenderest of moments, the most intimate moments as a family are far from my phone. They are the ones I plead with God to sear into my brain forever.

So let’s stop implying that just because someone posts a happy pulled together picture that they are being fake. Let’s just praise God for the beauty their feed brought into your day and rejoice with them that someone dear to you is having a good moment. Because yours surely will be coming soon and their moment will pass and their baby will have a blow out.

In keeping it real, I posted some of my nuttiness on SMB last week. Read it HERE

I started this discussion here.

I had been through foster care classes, read blogs, read books. I was SO prepared from an academic standpoint to help our little girl. I also had training that very, very few people have before adopting. I had a friend walking the road. Outside of her parents, I was the only real intimate in their daily dealings with RAD. I saw the heartache and the frustration and the behaviors most of the world didn’t see. I saw the non-stop water torture of control battles and rages. Rarely do people get that kind of inside peek. Most suffer alone and then secretly find another hurting mom and tell each other they are not alone.

There are MANY kids in group homes that will flourish in families.  They will still need lots of care and healing but I think those are the kids that attachment strategies will work for. They will get better.  I have friends that have adopted preteens that have been awesome. In the last couple of months, I have had 4 families tell me “but my heart just breaks for the older kids.” That is an awesome thing. It is people choosing adoption; choosing to be a family for a child, not a child for a family. I encourage them to think through motives for adoption, seek lots of counsel, talk to lots of parents of older kids and think through family dynamics (ie is a 12 yo with a hard past and your baby and good combination. maybe. maybe not)Here’s the kicker: A mass call for young families with little kids and whole lot of love is NOT the answer.

There are two problems. First, there is some disconnect in training. I am in online adoption groups where licensed parents don’t even know the words Reactive Attachment Disorder. PTSD and RAD should be as fluent in adoption language as epidural and c-section are in labor and delivery. The second is we are all optimistic about our own stories. We sit through an overview of attachment disorder in adoption classes and think

I’M ADOPTING A BABY. THAT DOESN’T APPLY TO ME

I KNOW THIS LADY WHO ADOPTED A 14 YEAR OLD AND IT WAS GREAT.

I AM SURE THESE OTHER PARENTS DIDN’T (OR DID) DO XYZ. WE’LL DO BETTER AND THE KIDS WE TAKE IN WILL BE FINE.

That is crazy. It will lead to depression. It will lead to being overwhelmed. It will lead to the realization that not all kids can be in a family setting.  There are a whole lot of kids in group homes that need so much more than a family setting.  They don’t need a mom. They need a therapeutic nurse that is called “Mom.” I do think that Christian empty nesters with an intense amount of security in Christ, confidence in themselves as parents and oodles of training could help these kids heal and become a part of society.

In short, we need to have frank discussion about more parents being trained in therapeutic foster and adoption care if we are to truly address the domestic orphan care crisis in a long term and healthy way.

****obviously just my ‘in the trenches’ humble opinion*********

I am loving seeing The Church rising up to meet the orphan and foster care crisis at the state level. Have you seen Project 127 in Colorado? Other states, including Arizona, are looking to duplicate their work. I think that is wonderful. Despite what critics say, the church is the answer to caring for orphans, domestically and globally. However, this is not a unicorn and rainbows kind of topic.  You can’t love these kids hard enough and make all their wounds disappear. They are hurting.  Deep aching kind of hurt that is beyond what many could fathom.

Some children that come home through adoption will settle in and attach…..about 1/3 according to Karyn Purvis. Another 1/3 will struggle, but will settle in in about a year. The last 1/3 will struggle for years. That is splitting up all kids. Not just the ones that will come home over 2 years of age. (So I always wonder how many of the ones that settle in right away are newborns. Just a thought).

I absolutely think kids need to be in homes. They need moms and dads. Group homes are no place for kids. Abuse is rampant and the system is under resourced. It feels like a holding tank.

However, I have huge reservations about just raising up families to take in kids. I am not sure the training is really in place to set new adoptive families up to succeed. I have asked the CO project about their training and have yet to hear back from them months later. Honestly, I don’t know if the right training even exists. I can’t imagine that anything out there right now is enough.

I can tell you whatever it is is not enough when it comes to RAD. I have encountered many social workers that don’t get it. I have seen huge cartoon bubbles hanging over the kid’s head in all caps screaming “I have RAD!!!” and they imply it is the foster parents problem.  I have been with therapists trained in it and watched my RADish manipulate, triangulate and dupe them. It is not anyone’s fault really. It is nearly impossible to understand unless you have parented a child with RAD. It is an experiential knowledge unlike anything else because it really only comes out in the most intimate of the child’s relationships. It will not be seen on a visit or even in a few interactions.

We’ve had a rough go in a lot of areas lately. Nothing quite like what we are dealing with with RADish this last month. It is hard when there are no easy answers or formulas to heal a broken heart. The gospel, obviously, is her only hope. But the day in and day out pragmatics of caring for her are challenging when secular strategies fall short and little understanding is known within the church.

There is no other earthly relationship to compare it to. If someone this toxic was related in any other way, we would set up loving boundaries. Take a step back from intimacy. Even with a spouse, you could take a separation. With a child, your child, the dynamics are so different. A child in your care cannot be separated easily. A child that doesn’t want to trust or need you and yet needs to, even for the simplest things like food, is a complicated relationship.

Resources are not the same, too, for children adopted privately or internationally. (for instance, foster children can receive hundreds of hours of respite a year the state pays for). Even with that help, caring for a child failing to attach is almost impossible.

In her relational and social health, we focus a lot on her connection to me, knowing that is the foundation for future relationships outside of Jesus. Last year, before I got sick, I told Sean she might be functional at the end of all of this, but I didn’t know where I would be physically. It is the most physically, emotionally and spiritually depleting thing ever. For the rest of the family, it is draining. It can be very toxic, too. The normailzation of trauma is a complicated and harsh reality. When a sibling freaking out no longer elicits a response or shock, or apathy or frustration no longer builds because they are missing out on something because of her behavior it starts to become a part of them. It is sad, but that’s a post for another day.

A child’s brain does not stop growing and changing until they are 21. Even then, with the Holy Spirit, change is possible. What we do know, though, is that if huge strides in healing don’t happen by puberty, things can get significantly worse. Many people have missed warning signs with RADishes and then at puberty are hit with new diagnoses or behavior far out of their capabilities. Brokenness and hormones are a very nasty combo.

So here we are. Not doing well. Not wanting to talk about it. And seeking help from a small circle of intimates. There are no easy answers in this complicated mess. We have been humbled by the Spirit moving in people’s hearts already to pray for us, even without knowing details. It is a dark time for us as a family, but Christ is near.

We sought out some respite from family and are taking a little break. We can’t think too far into the future. Just need to focus on today and the next right thing. We are resting—deeply pressing–into Jesus. I have clung to this quote over the last 5 years dealing with RAD.

“I have learned to kiss the wave that drives me against the Rock of Ages.”

― Charles Spurgeon

There is NO other safe place in this world. I am still learning to love the trials that drive me to long for Him and Him alone. I would much rather walk these valleys than go all of life without this hunger for God—for Him to redeem, to whisper love, to just be near.

There are parents that are married and stable and ready to parent that choose to end the life of their baby. We now have tests that can change lives forever. They are presented to expecting parents under the tempting title of “preparation” in case something is possible not right.

A positive test and a readily accessible abortion allow families to quietly discard a baby that isn’t “perfect” by society’s standards. Fashion photographer, Rick Guidotti, is not only seeing the humanity in each person but also giving encouragement to parents. When a test comes back positive, it doesn’t mean everything will be easy. It won’t mean that tears won’t be shed. It won’t mean it will be painless. Now, however, they might just be able to see the gift and joy and beauty in the challenge instead of the burden. A small glimmer of hope that says the child in Guidotti’s photograph was created on purpose, with a purpose. . .my child was too. They can say yes to life and that alone is redefining beauty. An exquisite testimony to life.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE AND WATCH THE VIDEO HERE