I am loving seeing The Church rising up to meet the orphan and foster care crisis at the state level. Have you seen Project 127 in Colorado? Other states, including Arizona, are looking to duplicate their work. I think that is wonderful. Despite what critics say, the church is the answer to caring for orphans, domestically and globally. However, this is not a unicorn and rainbows kind of topic.  You can’t love these kids hard enough and make all their wounds disappear. They are hurting.  Deep aching kind of hurt that is beyond what many could fathom.

Some children that come home through adoption will settle in and attach…..about 1/3 according to Karyn Purvis. Another 1/3 will struggle, but will settle in in about a year. The last 1/3 will struggle for years. That is splitting up all kids. Not just the ones that will come home over 2 years of age. (So I always wonder how many of the ones that settle in right away are newborns. Just a thought).

I absolutely think kids need to be in homes. They need moms and dads. Group homes are no place for kids. Abuse is rampant and the system is under resourced. It feels like a holding tank.

However, I have huge reservations about just raising up families to take in kids. I am not sure the training is really in place to set new adoptive families up to succeed. I have asked the CO project about their training and have yet to hear back from them months later. Honestly, I don’t know if the right training even exists. I can’t imagine that anything out there right now is enough.

I can tell you whatever it is is not enough when it comes to RAD. I have encountered many social workers that don’t get it. I have seen huge cartoon bubbles hanging over the kid’s head in all caps screaming “I have RAD!!!” and they imply it is the foster parents problem.  I have been with therapists trained in it and watched my RADish manipulate, triangulate and dupe them. It is not anyone’s fault really. It is nearly impossible to understand unless you have parented a child with RAD. It is an experiential knowledge unlike anything else because it really only comes out in the most intimate of the child’s relationships. It will not be seen on a visit or even in a few interactions.

We’ve had a rough go in a lot of areas lately. Nothing quite like what we are dealing with with RADish this last month. It is hard when there are no easy answers or formulas to heal a broken heart. The gospel, obviously, is her only hope. But the day in and day out pragmatics of caring for her are challenging when secular strategies fall short and little understanding is known within the church.

There is no other earthly relationship to compare it to. If someone this toxic was related in any other way, we would set up loving boundaries. Take a step back from intimacy. Even with a spouse, you could take a separation. With a child, your child, the dynamics are so different. A child in your care cannot be separated easily. A child that doesn’t want to trust or need you and yet needs to, even for the simplest things like food, is a complicated relationship.

Resources are not the same, too, for children adopted privately or internationally. (for instance, foster children can receive hundreds of hours of respite a year the state pays for). Even with that help, caring for a child failing to attach is almost impossible.

In her relational and social health, we focus a lot on her connection to me, knowing that is the foundation for future relationships outside of Jesus. Last year, before I got sick, I told Sean she might be functional at the end of all of this, but I didn’t know where I would be physically. It is the most physically, emotionally and spiritually depleting thing ever. For the rest of the family, it is draining. It can be very toxic, too. The normailzation of trauma is a complicated and harsh reality. When a sibling freaking out no longer elicits a response or shock, or apathy or frustration no longer builds because they are missing out on something because of her behavior it starts to become a part of them. It is sad, but that’s a post for another day.

A child’s brain does not stop growing and changing until they are 21. Even then, with the Holy Spirit, change is possible. What we do know, though, is that if huge strides in healing don’t happen by puberty, things can get significantly worse. Many people have missed warning signs with RADishes and then at puberty are hit with new diagnoses or behavior far out of their capabilities. Brokenness and hormones are a very nasty combo.

So here we are. Not doing well. Not wanting to talk about it. And seeking help from a small circle of intimates. There are no easy answers in this complicated mess. We have been humbled by the Spirit moving in people’s hearts already to pray for us, even without knowing details. It is a dark time for us as a family, but Christ is near.

We sought out some respite from family and are taking a little break. We can’t think too far into the future. Just need to focus on today and the next right thing. We are resting—deeply pressing–into Jesus. I have clung to this quote over the last 5 years dealing with RAD.

“I have learned to kiss the wave that drives me against the Rock of Ages.”

― Charles Spurgeon

There is NO other safe place in this world. I am still learning to love the trials that drive me to long for Him and Him alone. I would much rather walk these valleys than go all of life without this hunger for God—for Him to redeem, to whisper love, to just be near.

Even cooking at home can be challenging because corn is in EVERYTHING. Rotisserie chickens. Certain sugars. Wax on fruits. Pre-made seasonings. Basically I have to check and recheck everything and even then it is hard to avoid completely. Desserts have been hard but I found a couple of recipes I really like. I have been using Enjoylife chocolate chips for both. GF/CF recipes too good not to share

Chocolate Mousse

Flourless Chocolate Cake

It may be 2013, but sin and pride still love their outlet in racism. This adorable commercial has received a ton of backlash. Why? The family is multi-ethnic.

We are no strangers to this. On our you tube channel, we have made our comments moderated because of some more than hateful statements about our children.  We aren’t in an incredibly diverse place and I would say we get a lot of veiled comments. Some people are over zealous in their comments about our kids and some indifferent to make a point (commenting only on Chet, e.g.). Just because you are in a more diverse doesn’t mean unity either. Chasms can run deep side by side. Such an area can sometimes only mean that you will have more affirmation and much more criticism. We noticed on a recent trip to LA things were changing a bit. Over the years, we have received a lot of hostility from the black community. This trip was markedly different. Many people of all colors commenting on or engaging about ALL of our kids.  It is getting better. I believe that. The world is becoming smaller and we are connecting more. But, honestly, I don’t know if it will ever really be healed this side of heaven. . . . . .voting for people because of their skin color, turning a blind eye to genocide of black babies through PP, encouraging people to adopt based off of melanin, and on and on. God is about redemption. He is about reconciliation. But we as believers have to actively engage in that work to see real change and healing.

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